9:20am: I go down the hall from the guest room where I sleep to my paraplegic husband's room, to say good morning, give him his morning leg stretch, get him out of bed and onto his commode, and serve his breakfast. I sleep with my husband about twice a week. The other nights, I'm in the room down the hall, staying up late working on a multi-episodic screenplay called "Ollie Dreadful", a punk love triangle, set in the 1970's and present day. It's about three former punk bandmates and lovers, ripped apart by fame, who come together years later in a bittersweet reunion to defeat a hateful fan stalker.
I began writing this story because I felt compelled to, back in 2015 (over 4 years ago). I'm a U.K. punk / post-punk fan, and my obsession with the era, and specifically with my favorite band, Public Image Ltd. (PiL) started to take over so much of my time, my inner life, my soul......I've read countless articles and books, watched hours of video, documentaries, interviews....why?
I started to question this fandom. What is causing this obsession, I wondered?! And I'm not the only one.....social media is full of devoted fandom, with fans obsessing over idols whose careers were in the past, or who have died, but who live on in a cult-like way through fan worship, taking on a god-like status. And then there are stalkers, who cross over to the dark side.
I wanted to write a story about the lighter and darker side of fame and idol worship, from both the point of view of the fan and the idol. It's a multi-episodic story, and I've written eight episodes so far (about 500 pages), and have more to write. I hear the characters inside me, talking to me constantly, voices inside my head.
"Ollie Dreadful" is not a bio-pic, which I find to often come across as phony. It is a "film a clef" - a fictional story based on real people and events - with characters inspired by real musicians from the 1970's UK punk era. Examples of "film a clef" are "The Godfather", based on a real crime family, and "Citizen Kane", based on real newspaper mogul Charles Foster Kane. Another recent example is The Coen Brothers "Inside Llewyn Davis", based on a real 1960's folksinger, Dave Von Ronk.
The main character Ollie is inspired by John Lydon (Johnny Rotten). The actual Lydon is very protective of how he is portrayed, and from what I've read, disliked his portrayal in "Sid and Nancy" (and disliked the film). At one point he was working with director Penelope Spheeris on a bio pic, but turned down the project (he didn't like the script).
The worst thing in the world is for creative artists to be exploited. I didn't write this story to exploit or make a buck. I don't want any money for the script. I wrote it as a creative gift for the real musicians portrayed in the story. I respect them immensely, and am in the process of contacting them for permission to use their likenesses in the story. I actually sent it to Keith Levene, who was the inspiration for the character "Kenny", and skyped with him for 40 minutes - what a thrill! Keith did all the talking...I was in awe. He was very cool, and gave me written permission to portray him in the story. I sent the story to Lydon's manager Rambo via email, to ask for permission. He told me they were too busy on their tour at the time, and to try back later (I never did).
My idea was to write a fictional story about the punk subculture, a story similar to "Quadrophenia", which is a fictional story about the mod subculture, inspired by a real life mod named Jack Lyons ("Irish Jack"), the model for Quadrophenia's main character, "Jimmy". "Quadrophenia" was my favorite film as a teenager. The emotions and situations in it were so raw and authentic. I always wished there was a film about the early U.K. punk era that was similar. The most well-known U.K. punk era film is probably "Sid and Nancy". John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) has said in interviews that the filmmakers didn't get Sid Vicious, or Johnny Rotten, or the era, right. You'd have to be there to know what it was like....and he was.
I wasn't there. When the Sex Pistols formed in London in 1976, I was living in my own subculture, as a 12 year old devout Catholic Italian-American adolescent in Brooklyn, NYC during the "Saturday Night Fever" disco era. But my imagination dwelled in Britain, as I loved British rock and roll. And today, my imagination still dwells in 1970's London, a time and place I adore. From my subconscious emerged a story about three troubled teenagers from that world, "Ollie Dreadful". I put alot of my own thoughts and feelings into it, very much so. I do remember very well what it felt like to be a teenager - the constant barrage of internal emotions - angst, self-loathing, loneliness, rejection, insecurities, ambitions, frustration, desperation, confusion.....not fitting in.....identity crisis....trying to fit in .....or not, and rebelling......desperately wanting to be "cool", to be "grown up"....to be attractive, sexy....to find out what sex was like..... ...to be loved and accepted for who you are....trying to figure out who you are, and what you believe in.....and what you should be doing with your life....to be out in the world doing something important.....and/or or to drop out and live on the fringes of society, and create your own reality (like mod or punk subculture). And....you're always feeling like you're teetering on the edge of insanity....(I felt I was). That's why I loved "Quadrophenia" - Jimmy feels he's going insane, split into four personalities.
I wrote this story for young people of today, because I think they could relate to the confusing barrage of internal feelings which I tried to portray in the story. The world today is more chaotic than ever, and must be even more confusing for sensitive teens. Bonding with friends is so vital to a young person. First love is so emotional. Breaking up with friends and lovers is so painful. Emotions are extremely intense when you're young, because they're new experiences.
In this story, the three troubled teenagers bond deeply, then break up painfully, then years later come back together...painfully and deeply. I wrote it for the 1970's punk generation, those wild, bold, rebellious youth generation who inspired it, who are now in middle to late middle age. I see them every day on social media, nostalgic for their inglorious past. Some of them are now grandparents, and/or adults taking care of sick elderly parents. Some themselves are sick and dying. Some died far too young. Facebook has a page called "Punk's Not Dead But I'm Not Far Off".
Some themes in "Ollie Dreadful" are the lighter and darker side of fame and idol worship; the fine line between genius and madness; and the difference between one's public and private persona.
Actually, the very name of my favorite band "Public Image Ltd." is a clever reference to that. Public Image Ltd. (PiL) refers to John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) wanting to limit his exposure to the public, after experiencing hooligan attacks and being hounded by the media for his "Rotten" persona. He was also inspired by a fictional novel by Muriel Spark about the subject, "The Public Image" - about a famous actress whose image interferes with her private life (very relatable for him).
PiL's brilliant first single "Public Image" on their debut album "First Issue" featured Lydon's autobiographical lyrics which refer to his shedding "Rotten" - an emancipation proclamation. The song's chiming guitar, played by PiL guitarist Keith Levene, expresses the sound of freedom, ringing like a liberty bell:
"Public image, you got what you wanted,
The Public Image belongs to me,
It's my entrance, my own creation
My grand finale, my goodbye"
Out of respect for these marvelous musicians, not wanting to exploit them, I wrote them as fictional characters who are inspired by, but not actually them. The main character of "Ollie" is based on John Lydon (Johnny Rotten); a second main character, "Kenny", is based on guitarist Keith Levene; and a third, the female character named Annalisa, (inspired by the PiL song "Annalisa") is based on a combination of punk women at the time (mostly Viv Albertine, Jeanette Lee and PolyStyrene, plus others)....with some of Annaliese Michel's soul possession thrown in.
A conceit of the story is that Ollie and Kenny were childhood friends who met in Catholic school - whereas Lydon and Levene met in their late teens, after they joined their respective bands The Pistols and The Clash (and Levene wasn't Catholic, but Jewish).
The story starts in 1973 working class London, when shy, abused Catholic schoolgirl Annalisa meets two boys in a record shop and bonds with them over music. She adores her two new boyfriends, and can hear their voices inside her – Ollie, a delinquent, audacious joker with a poet’s soul; and Kenny, a talented, skateboarding guitar wizard. All three have private torments – Ollie's epilepsy, Kenny's childhood sexual abuse by a priest, and Annalisa's undiagnosed schizophrenia. The troubled teens live out their fantasies when they meet their rock star idols in real life personal encounters.
Sent to a mental institution by her cruel mother, Annalisa runs away and finds shelter with Kenny in his squat house/rehearsal space. They form The X-Girls, where she reinvents herself as lead singer Annalisa X-Treme. Ollie has become Dreadful Boy, infamous lead singer of notorious band The Dread Boys. Their raw, defiant music, attitude, and looks is labelled “punk” by the media, attracting hooligan attacks, police harassment and society's ridicule and scorn. Ollie is idolized by Annalisa, his biggest fan, and they have a passionate affair and write songs about each other. Inspired by his lunatic stage act, she incorporates her own madness into her performance, and becomes a sensation. Her career is cut short by an unintended pregnancy, and she gives the child up for adoption, never knowing the true father. The story then continues into present day....
Late at night while I'm in bed, my computer reads "Ollie Dreadful" to me, just like a bedtime story. It helps me relax and puts me to sleep at night. Specifically, a screenwriting program called Final Draft reads to me in a computer voice - a soothing female British voice created by Microsoft called "Karen". Computer voice Karen is superb! I love her accent, and there's a slyness to the inflections in her voice which fit the story so well. She enunciates perfectly, and never misses a line of dialogue.
It's my most favorite thing in the world, actually - to escape into the imaginary world of the characters in the story. I adore the story, and I adore them. I hope that doesn't sound conceited. Actually, it sounds a bit weird and creepy, doesn't it? I freely admit I'm obsessed with my own story, happy to dwell in this fictional world. I often stay up until 2:00pm or later writing and/or listening to it. If it were a streaming series, it would be "binge-worthy", as they say.
It's most-likely psychologically unhealthy, what I do at night. I'm a 54 year old housewife, and I have this secret fantasy world.... If a psychologist were to analyze it, they'd probably say it's a substitute for what's lacking in my love life, perhaps....or maybe I'm trying to compensate for my lost youth. I used to worry about it, but I don't care anymore. I enjoy it! That's all that matters to me. I decided to stop judging myself and feeling guilty over it. I'm not hurting anyone. My husband doesn't mind. He's okay at night. If he needs me, he yells down the hall, and I trot over to him, and am there to assist him when needed.
I've been conditioned by my husband not to fall into the misery of self-pity, since he doesn't. But since I'm writing a diary blog, I can confide my inner most thoughts here - my life is kinda challenging, being a caregiver for a paraplegic. I mean, we have lots to be grateful for, I'm well aware. Money to pay the bills, a roof over our head, food on the table, etc. I have my freedom, I'm not a prisoner in a third world prison subjected to torture, or falsely convicted or a sex slave forced into prostitution or anything horrid like that. But still, there are times I do feel sorry for myself. I really try hard not to, but...
My husband's life is even harder. WAY harder, and I have to watch him go through it everyday. I can walk. He can't. He can hardly move his body parts at all. It's because of his multiple sclerosis (multiple scars on his brain and nerves) - an illness which has left him with numbness and extreme heaviness and stiffness in his limbs, He is mentally very alert, but physically messed up. He used to be a very physical man who used his body alot (he was a rock climber and ironworker).
Now, with me at age 54 and he at age 70, he's totally dependent on his wife (me) for his everyday needs. That means, first thing in the morning, stretching his stiff legs before he gets out of bed. We put on some music to make the stretching fun. This morning was particularly fun, as we listened to one of his favorites, a 1959 album called "Exploring New Sounds in Hi-Fi" by a mid-century experimental Latin bandleader named Esquivel and his orchestra. My husband refers to it as "space-age bachelor pad music".
After we stretch for about 15 minutes, I help him get out of bed, with a wheelchair transfer we call the "Hulk Hogan wrestling maneuver", and onto his wheelchair commode, which I wheel over to the bathroom and over his toilet. Because his a neurogenic bladder, he can't pee on his own and needs to be catheterized 5x daily. He can't wipe his bottom on his own, so I help with that. I don't mind, though it bothers him sometimes, not to be able to do that for himself. I sometimes wonder how I'd feel about it, if the situation were reversed. Would he do it for me? I wouldn't like it, but it's amazing what you get used to when you live with disability. You have to. These type of humiliations become your "new normal", and you are forced not to think of them as humiliating anymore. It's basic survival.
My husband is legally blind too - he has nystagmus, meaning his eyes are shaky....the whole world looks shaky to him. Sometimes I look at his eyes and see them bouncing around. It's wild! To help relax himself, he uses medical marijuana....then when he drives his wheelchair and accidentally crashes into things, I'm not sure if it's because of his shaky eyeballs, or the marijuana....
Both of us are screenwriters, both of us live in our heads much of the time, which helps us very much escape the dreary difficulties of our of everyday life. We both have vivid imaginations, and we get passionate about our screenplays and often argue with each other about them. To write, he talks into a voice recorder, then I type it up for him. Then we go over the story multiple times, rewriting and rewriting it until it's just write.....er....right.
